UNTITLED

So I’m sitting near the spot where we sat for hours one night twelve years ago, drunk, sharing our thoughts and feelings. We were entering a new chapter in our lives. We started meeting more often and getting closer and deeper into this bond but I’m not sure what kind of connection it really was. You made me laugh and our chemistry was so enticing. All I knew was we couldn’t get enough of what we were feeling. 

Today is our tenth wedding anniversary and now we are separated in different countries, sitting under the same moon. I’m alone with tears pouring down my face as I grieve the loss of our family, the loss of the future I thought I would have with you. I wish I could have still kept on loving you despite all the ways I felt violated and unloved. I wish for the sake of our two beautiful children we could have carried on happily in front of them even if we were strangers when they slept. But it was too hard for me to carry on that facade as the years went by. It was hard for me to sleep peacefully at night without fearing that you’d wake me up in the middle of the night in a rage. 

I bet you never expected I’d go through with the actual act of leaving you. But I did and I’ve slowly been dying every day since. 

I don’t know how to be happy. I try to live in the present moment with the children and give them the best I can. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me - my stifled grief and heartbreak seeps out in bouts of anger and I feel so guilty and remorseful over my words. But you never felt any remorse for me, did you? You never took back the horrible words you told me that day.

Last year you sat with me and told me you would be a better husband and father, that you would do right by me. But you did wrong by me every chance you got. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know anything anymore. I’m sorry for the pain and loneliness that you’re going through, if any. I’m sorry for all the childhood trauma you experienced that caused you to be the person you are today. I’m sorry that you’re not able to see right from wrong when it comes to treating another human being with respect. I’m sorry that I was no longer able to forgive and forget as easily as I did in the early years of our relationship. I’m sorry that our marriage story had to end. 

I wish you well for the future. I hope you will have the ability to someday  reflect and understand why and how things went wrong. Even if you don’t, it’s okay. I hope even though we are no longer a family, you will still be the best father you can be to our kids. And I wish myself the strength to move on to find my happiness and peace. We each have only one life to live, and we deserve to live each moment in joy.